Are you okay?
No one really asks me if I’m okay anymore. Okay, scratch that; let me rephrase: the people I want to care about me don’t ask me if I’m okay anymore. And when they do, I say I’m fine. I’ve always been fairly good at expressing myself through writing, but I don’t know how to be vulnerable like that. I get scared of being too much. Too intense. Too overwhelming with all my issues. I don’t want to be a bother. I don’t want to be too much. I want someone who understands whether or not I say anything.
A lot has happened in the past one week. The safe bubble I had set up for myself burst, and it's like everything happened at the same time. I tried to keep up. To be strong. To get through it like adults should. But I got swallowed up, and I drowned. There's rock bottom, and there's somewhere lower than rock bottom. It's safe to say I have gone below rock bottom. The truth is, I don't think I know how to do this life thing anymore. Especially not as a neurodivergent.
I long for people who would take me as I am and understand me completely. Someone I don’t have to explain myself to. Someone who didn’t want me to be anything more than I already am. They say to start from self-love, and I did. I focused on it so much and then started on my career. And I focused on it so much that I started to forget that I’m actually autistic and it is difficult. It’s really difficult.
There is a lot of remember and process. There are a lot of cues to take in and understand. There is backlash when I say it as I think it because people don't get it and I have to apologise because I hurt someone. Or I have to receive lectures from people who should understand, about how the world is and how I need to adapt and be strong and all of that. Somehow, I need to fit in, but not too much. It's okay to be myself but to not be too weird and miss social cues and upset people by being blunt.
It's okay to be smart, but not too smart. And it definitely isn't okay to be smart but dumb at the same time. How do I explain that although I can solve equations with my eyes closed and whip up almost perfect research papers, I actually do not know how to turn on a TV or draw an eyeliner? Or that I feel things intensely, and this makes me prone to really intense depressive episodes that make me want to die even though the previous day I felt totally fine? How do I explain that sounds upset me, and I don't like to be touched, but I'm sensual, and I want my partner to touch me?
It’s like being a walking bag of contradiction. I love to be independent and know I’ve got myself, but being autistic means that I actually need a lot of support, and on some days, I can’t really function. I can’t regulate properly. I have insomnia and issues with food. I have trust issues and can’t decipher a good guy from a bad guy because I don’t always walk around expecting something to lie to me and play me. I can’t always be a good friend because most times I’m not interested in what they’re saying, and I zone out or get exhausted from trying so hard to concentrate. Because I don’t understand. I don’t understand what interests them about something.
I don’t like confrontations and emotional issues stresses me. I have to mentally prepare to step out or do anything, and so when someone asks me to do something for them and I can’t in the moment, not because I don’t want to but because I just can’t, I break a little. They don’t get it. The people around me don’t. I have someone who does a bit, but she stays far, and you can’t really get it unless you live it. You can’t fully understand it, no matter how much it is explained. You have to live it to experience the horror.
"Everyone goes through challenges and stressors, Rachael. It’s a part of life. You have to learn to cope. To adjust. To adapt. You have to try. Everyone has it just as hard." But I’m not everyone, am I? How about you teach me how to cope with it as a person living with autism? Why do I have to try to catch up and be fine because everyone deals with the same issues, and it is a part of life? Autism and BPD mean I have troubles regulating everything, but I try.
And sometimes, it's just not enough. Even for myself. And it hurts and stings. I see the statistics. I do my research. I know it's almost impossible to hold down a steady job (I hold 3) and cope all by yourself without adequate support. I know it's difficult to go to school and get a certificate as a person on the autism spectrum because of executive functioning issues. I know it's difficult to communicate. To regulate. To be there always. To be fine always. Heck, there are days I want to sleep and not wake up because this constant battle of going through life in spite of it is exhausting.
Everything is rigged from me if I look at my peculiar features (not physical). So I try and try and try and try so much that I lose myself and get burned out and slip into depression and suicidal ideation. I do get better and get out of it, but it happens again and again. And it's an endless cycle of getting better and relapsing and getting better and relapsing. And nobody really gets it like I want them to. But it's fine—even I don't really get it too.
I argue with my therapist every time that I’m not normal and there’s something wrong with me, and she says I am normal. She says I have to believe I am normal. But isn’t the first step to liberation being realistic enough to be truthful to yourself? To say, “Okay, I’m wired differently from most people, so I have to take a different approach to life? I can’t do the coping skills that everyone does because I’m not everyone, and it has to be tailored for my specific needs.” Isn’t it okay to feel like that, too? Isn’t it okay to say that you’re having issues regulating or doing a certain thing because you’re on the spectrum and people don’t see as you are giving an excuse? Isn’t it okay to be literal? To be an open book? To not have to do this survival of the fittest thing and playing a game so you don’t get hurt?
It’s 4am on a Sunday morning and I haven’t slept a wink in over 24 hours. My life went and crashed within the space of a week and would keep crashing if I don’t get the appropriate support I need for someone who is autistic. You know the craziest thing? I don’t even know what the “appropriate” support is. I do my research and read books and see movies on people with autism, but it’s different for everyone and I don’t even know how to go about finding a mental healthcare professional who specifically specialises in autism. How do I tell people I care about that I want to be alone and it’s not about them? That they shouldn’t touch me or call me without my permission even though I love them?
It's difficult. It really is difficult. So when they ask me why I do research writing and bury myself into data analysis, I don't know how to explain it. I don't think they'd get it. I didn't ask for this life. I didn't ask to be born with all these mental illnesses that make me struggle. I don't want to try to adapt and make it through life. I want to be in my bubble and do things as I need them done, and it doesn't always work that way because it is what it is. But research writing gives me a semblance of control. I know what to expect. I know what to put on paper and how to put it. I know how to find it. And always, the thought of analysing data collected for a research and testing to see which hypothesis it supports gives me a reason to wake up every morning even if I can't always function work-wise as much as I want to.
But it's fine, isn't it? When next someone asks me, I'll smile and say I'm fine. I'll dance in front of the camera and try to make it each day, albeit shakily. I'll show up for Monday morning meetings and be optimistic and bright and cheerful. I'll try to be there for my friends and make all the necessary sounds I need to make. I will sit with my feelings, and when they get too much, cry and wish I had a partner to hold me as I cry and tuck me in bed after with a kiss on my forehead so I sleep. Someone who's got me, for real. Because it's so hard doing all of this on your own without the support you need. I didn't ask for any of this.
