Can you hear me?
There's a cloak hanging over my head. It's sinister, and I know it. I know it like the back of my hand. I'm friends with it. We've wined, and dined, had the fun of our lives and pledged to be supportive of each other—at least, I pledged.
It's a parasitic friend and I never really enjoyed our time together, but when all you have as a friend is something that makes you feel needed, even if all it does is take from you, that's better than being invisible. It's better than not being seen.
How do you live in this world when you know that all around you, faraway, life is filled with so much beauty and happiness? That you're not living your best life, and with the right push in the right direction, you'll get all you've ever wanted—even more? Or maybe you won't.
Depression is the cloak, and having lived with it much longer than you've been aware of your existence, you know when it comes back. You know it is home; probably the only home you'll ever have, because you know it, and it knows you.
You've been loved and embraced by depression, and like the abusive relationship you had with Dozie, it's hard to leave and move on. It's difficult to leave when you get comfortable, and that was how it was with him. Dozie. Do you remember him?
——————
You had just relocated to Asaba to live with your aunt after your parents died. Being just 16, the male species were still alien to you, so finding a boy who wasn't handsome but could turn heads attracted you.
The first time you met him was at this public library you discovered on the second street of your house. A fee of fifty naira meant you could access it for a full week before you had to pay up again, and it was lovely because you could afford it and you loved reading. Your aunt wasn't a wicked one. She took care of you, but then, it might be because she was your mum's younger sister.
“Hey, pretty girl. Why are you walking around looking lost?” Normal people say hi and stutter, but this fine guy in front of you was very sure of himself.
Smiling, you had twisted the hem of your faded t-shirt and stared at the hand-me-down flip-flop you were putting on. It was your dad's favorite and you felt like having him around you that day.
With your spectacles on and jaga-jaga hair, you cut a pitiful sight, and the heat rashes on your skin wasn't even helping matters. You sha did not answer the fine boy, as you walked into the library to find a cool spot for reading. A spot that soon became your favorite.
You were happy and sad that he didn't come to seek you out. Happy because you didn't like being disturbed, and your dad's scent that wrapped you made you want to be left alone, lost in the literary world. Sad because he was a fine boy, and for a moment, your insides had fluttered—strange.
You kept visiting the library in hopes that you would come across him again, but you didn't. On each visit, you put in effort to dress well until Aunty Nkechi began to nod her approval at your dress sense. She said you were beginning to look like a human being, not like nsi.
You grinned each time you left the house to the library because Aunty Nkechi's approval followed you, but you always came back looking like a drenched fowl.
——————
You've been happy for a while now, the longest you've ever been, but you keep wondering when it will disappear. Maybe you'd wake up one morning and find out that your months of hardwork in regulating your thoughts and emotions have gone to waste, or you'll see Dozie and remember falling in love with a boy who didn't exist.
Depression always waits at the door. Always. Because it knows its home, and home always calls to those who listen enough; to those who tune in to themselves and listen to their spirit.
Occupying all your spare time with work is the only way you feel regulated. The only way you don't feel your life slipping through your hands like the sands of time. And on days you don't do anything, you feel tired, empty, and numb. Like your world has crashed, and there's no help anywhere. Like there'll never be help.
You wonder if there’s a way out, but then, you don’t know. You don’t know anything, and you can’t risk knowing. Maybe knowing will bring you to the place you never want to return to, so not knowing is safer. Besides, it’s always better to play safe.
