Communicating, not reacting
Communication can be simply defined as the process of one soul acting upon the other to effect a change. And reaction is, well… reacting. It’s making emotions ride over logic; over the message you are trying to pass across.
In my last relationship, I did a lot of reacting not communicating. “I’ve told you this before and you’re doing it again!” “You know I hate this, why do you keep on doing it?” “You always do this.” Of course, we think these are better ways of communicating. If they see how upset they make you, they’ll understand how much this means to you and stop doing it.
Wrong.
As my therapist told me, in the process of reacting and not communicating, the message you’re trying to pass across gets lost. The other party feels you are nagging, and you feel the other party is not listening and trying to understand you: resentment builds up.
While communicating your anger to a person, it’s best to remember that you’re not against the person; you’re against the problem. Once you have this in mind, it becomes easier to communicate how they make you feel.
“Hey. You did XYZ yesterday and it made me feel ABC. I was wondering if you could instead do EFG so I don’t feel ABC.” Simple. Easy to understand. The person doesn’t feel attacked so instead of being defensive, they actually listen to you and effect the change you want them to.
Communicating, not reacting, is key to building a long and lasting relationship with anyone, irrespective of your differences.
Now, if after taking your time to communicate and they still go on to do how they please, you’ll know you’ve done your best and the blame is not on you.
Communication and respect are the barest minimum in every relationship. The barest. So learning to communicate is not only beneficial to the other party, it is beneficial to you. It helps you excel in intra and interpersonal relationships.
It takes time to hone this skill, and sometimes you might find yourself reacting and not communicating—hey, you’re not a bot! But as I say, always give yourself grace. Grace to make the mistake of reacting, and grace to amend by communicating.
So, here’s the question: Think about your life and the relationships in it. Pick one of the people you’re closest to. During arguments with them, do you react or communicate? How has this affected your relationship with this person?
