I don’t want to move on

There's a certain expectation that comes from the world when you lose someone you love, be it friendship or family ties or a romantic relationship. You're somehow still expected to get up every morning and show up at work and do your normal routines and cope. And sometimes, most people are able to do that. I envy them.

Yesterday I texted a friend who lost his mother a while ago to ask how he managed to still be alive. I admire that strength. I think I would have died if it were me, but here is someone whose mother meant the world to him. And after her death, he still managed to wake up every morning and tried to be fine.

In his words, "One thing her death gave me was a renewed hope. Hope even for a brighter future. Hope that I can make it. She might not be here anymore, but she is the reason why I am still hanging on." I think that's the strongest thing I've ever heard.

I've lost friendships that meant the world to me and romantic relationships I never wanted to end. I've lost people I cared about to illness and suicide and accident and just… fate. And in my nightmares every night, I watch them die again and again. I watch them leave me. I don't know how to wake up from those nightmares and act like everything is okay.

People say to move on. To be strong and let the past remain in the past. But how am I supposed to do that when I'm still grieving? When in my dreams each night I beg them not to leave me? I beg them to stay for me, so I can go through life a happy person?

I've left people I loved, too. I've had to choose myself and walk away from them, and trust me, it's the hardest decision you'll ever have to make. To decide to love the people who mean the world to you from afar because love is not enough to keep the relationship healthy and balanced. It sucks. It really does.

And no one can understand how you feel, no matter how much you explain it to them. Regardless of if they've gone through something similar. Your pain is personal; theirs is, too. So when someone tells you to suck it up and move on when you're still grieving, ignore them. This doesn't mean you wallow in it so much that you forget to live a little, it just means you're human and that the people you loved and lost meant the world to you.

When it's time to stop grieving and move on, you will know. For now, listen to yourself. And be kind to yourself. We're all a little lost, and a little lonely, and a little sad, and a little tired. If you're an extremist who is either very sad or very happy—no in-between—then living like this can be difficult. But I believe you've got this.

It’ll get easier to breathe. For now, let’s keep hanging on, shall we? Let’s be our brother’s keeper and look out for one another. Because, damn, it’s so fucking difficult to be alive.