Giving ourselves grace to start over
I recently got the strength to start posting on Medium. After a long previous year and all the things I lost and gained, I want to share with the world how you can be broken and still live. And how you can grow with all the broken parts of you merging into something more beautiful.
I’m a work in progress. I lose, gain, lose again, gain more, and make mistakes, but then I get up and decide to try again. And for this year, I’m trying to be a lesser critic of myself than I used to be. I’m accepting with grace all the flawed parts of myself and kissing it whole, kissing acceptance. Kissing it "I love you, whatever form you come in." Kissing it "I’ll be here until the end of time and a moment after that."
Last year, my therapist asked me to name one thing I’m most proud of about myself. This year I’m tapping strength from it and running far and wide with it: Resilience. My ability to try again. My ability to not give up just yet. And if there’s one thing I do not like about myself, it’s how I beat myself up. How I take a whip to my soul and not think twice about it.
Andrea Gibson puts it deftly when she says in a poem: “I’ve never seen violence like the way we take a whip to ourselves.”
Best believe, that there are hundred "You SHOULD have done better" or "You’re not so bright" to every "You could have done this instead, Rachael" that I get from people I dare to share my fails with. Truth is, we are our biggest critic and we do not need anyone to make us feel worse.
This year we’re giving ourselves grace. Grace to fuck up and to fix up—if we can. Grace to live a little, and then some more. Grace to be, not to exist. What’s more? Grace to know that we’ll run out of graces but we’ll be fine. We’ll be okay.
So if you’re reading this, it’s not by mistake. We were meant to meet. And if nothing sticks with you this year, let your meeting with me now, for the first time stick. Let my hope that this year be kinder to you and that it is everything you need and more stick. Let my love for you stick. And most of all, let my name stick: Rachael Aiyke.
Hi, I’m Rachael Aiyke. I’m starting this amazing journey of growth and failure. I’ll share my thoughts, my work and my fears. In return, you share every piece that resonates with you and write to me your thoughts about them.
