Maybe it’s not meant to stop hurting

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

When all of those things that happened happened and the spark left your eyes, I thought time would bring it back. And I hoped, blindly, that there will be a day when you wake up and your heart will sing again. That there would be nights you enjoy because they would be free from nightmares, and all you would be reminded of is the beauty that exists in the world. But more than being alive and healthy, I hoped you would stop hurting.

But when I saw a post you made on Facebook—you blocked my main account and I stalked you with my pseudo account—about a short e-book you were giving out for free on Selar, I couldn't help but wonder what it was about. And my curiosity got the best of me when I saw that it was titled: 10 Ways I Have Tried To Die But Failed. It reminded me so much of him. You know him, right?

As you promised, your book was short, and filled with a lot of failed attempts at taking your life. According to you, the earth was adamant about returning you because it wasn’t your time to go. I read the line where you said “I want to fall in love with the universe again and not worry about the darkness in my past engulfing me” over and over again. I didn’t realize people who were depressed could mask it. I didn’t know until then that you were suicidal.

I know the past couple of years haven’t been great for you, but I wish I could take all the negativity away. You’re hurting, and you’re suicidal, and you’re depressed. And I know it will get better, but I don’t know when. I want to know when Somto. I want to give you hope, and at the same time, I want to give you the truth. So when I tell you that you will land your biggest gig ever a day after your birthday, there will be enough hope to keep you hanging on until then.

But when it comes to love and loss and grief, I don’t know. All I know is that the pain shows a life well lived, and if you compile the memories you have of everyone you’ve lost and loved, it will be reason enough to believe that life is worth living in. Because living can be beautiful.