Nightmares
I've always had nightmares for as long as I can remember. Nightmares, delusions, hallucinations, panic attacks, trembling… name it. Which is a shitty way to live for a female teenager. It's like having this tag on your head that says "weirdo" and "psycho." Because not only do you wake up screaming most nights and have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep without meds, you're also socially awkward and can be clumsy.
Everytime I have to sleep with someone in the same room—a friend, a partner—I apologize in advance for my mind's response to trauma I do not remember. Trauma that has defined my life to a large extent and would continue to define it unless something happens. And to be honest, I do not know what else to do at this point. I have tried talk therapy (I still do), and medications (I still do), and somehow, these nightmares and hallucinations and trembling are a constant in my life.
No, I am not complaining.
I simply woke up in a strange bed this morning—my friend's. For the first time in months I decided to sleep at her house, and guess what I graced her with? You're right. Nightmares, screaming in the night, stimming until 3 am because there was so much noise happening all around her and I couldn't fall asleep. The texture of the bedsheet was disturbing to me, and the room didn't have enough ventilation (I'm claustrophobic), and then, the constant trembling. What a way to introduce yourself to a friend's family, isn't it?
Haha.
And for the second time in a week, I thought about what it meant to be neurotypical. To not have to rehearse everything in your head before saying it. To not have to be seen as "rude" or "blunt" or "offensive." To be able to attend parties and places with large gatherings of people without freaking out at the noise and proximity of ALL THOSE BODIES! Thinking about it now makes me shudder.
I guess I'd never really know what that feels like, yeah? So I'll stick around with my life and hope I'm able to settle into being me. Hope that the people that matter the most to me treat me as a person, not as a psycho, because that would mean the world to me. But if they don't? Oh well, I hope the part of me that is resistant to change and loyal to a fault will choose me.
For now, I’ll keep writing stories on Medium and burying my nose in books and work. Who knows, that might just be how it’s supposed to be.
