Second person POV
One day, I’ll be able to look back at today, and maybe I’ll understand what it was that I did that made you walk away. Although it hurt you that you were breaking a promise you made me, you left. I guess you cried on the bus and stared out the window, just so no one knew how much you were hurting. I guess you wanted someone to look at you and say, "Here. You’re safe now."
How can you run away from the nightmare when the nightmare is you?
Towards the end, I saw you, you know? You’d stare at the mirror, lost in thoughts. And sometimes you’d sniffle, a couple of sobs here and there. But one night, I heard you scream. I heard the feral mixture of brokenness and want, and it shook me. I wondered why everyone’s survival looked a little lot more like death. But you hid well, and it was difficult to know anything was wrong with you in public.
Was it the impulsive behaviours? The self-harming? Lack of eating? Overworking? Getting high? Oversleeping? You would stay days in your room and not say a word to someone. Even if they brought you food, your reaction was a thumbs up. And if you needed to talk to someone, you texted. Then you got better and worse and better and worse, and one day, you just up and say you want to leave. Say you want to start life somewhere else. You. You who was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist while being on multiple psych meds for depression, panic disorder, mood stability (lack of swinging moods), psychosis and bipolar disorder. You want to go away.
Now you are gone, and I don’t know if there was anything I could have done. I don’t know if there was something I could have done differently. Maybe you would have stayed. Maybe you would have kept your promise. I don’t know if it’s too late to say this now, but I love the way you loved me. I loved the way you looked at me. I love the way you make me feel. Like I am magic. Like I can be magic. And I hope that my ancestors in appreciation keep you safe for all the days of your life. And that the divine mother brings beautiful people into your life for you are deserving of beautiful people. Go well. I hope we meet again.
