She wasn’t anyone; she was my love
Two days after you told him you weren’t interested in the relationship anymore and that you wanted to call it quits, you called him. You were incoherent and he promised to be at your place in no time. That’s what you wanted. For him to come over so you’d see him one last time and hug him one last time. How come we never get to fill ourselves with their presence before they become memories?
You missed him. You missed waking up to his breathing on your neck and missed falling asleep in his arms every night. For days, you've struggled to sleep, eat and perform your daily living activities without him. Life seems to have lost its taste.
"But you were the one who ended the relationship!" your friends say. You hear them. But how do you explain to them what codependency means? How do you tell them that although this person wasn't healthy for you, he was your world? How do you explain handing your life over to another person?
So everytime they asked, you smiled and told them not to worry about you. Told them you will be fine. You've got it. And behind locked doors, you broke down like the walls of an abandoned building. You let the loss engulf you and you cry and cry and cry.
You mourn what was and what would never be. And most of all, you mourn the you that used to be in a relationship and loved this person. You mourn that life you lived as you unconsciously prepare for the new life ahead of you. You mourn the memories. You mourn everything.
So when he said he was on his way to see you, you felt relieved and stopped crying. Your room was unkempt: dirty clothes everywhere and a stack of dirty dishes in the sink. You couldn't start cleaning up so you laid on your bed and waited.
He would be here anytime soon, you kept saying. He would be here anytime soon.
But he wouldn't, you see. Because he would he leave his house and take a bike, and the bike would go on to be involved in a ghastly accident and he would die in impact. His last thoughts would be about you, and how much he loved you. And how much he genuinely wanted you guys to work.
But you won't know. You will wait and wait and wait and get closure in his decision not to come and see you. And you will pick yourself back up and move on with your life.
You won't know until months later that your lover died on his way to see you. You won't know until you're with this new guy that you genuinely like. You won't know until you stumble on his sister in the lotion section of ShopRite, basket in hand, a smile on your face laughing at the joke your partner was sharing.
And when you know, you will howl. You howl for days, and your broken body will never stop howling in pain.
