Tales of an Evolved woman
I stopped writing on Medium for a while because they did an upgrade and cleared my works from all of last year. I was furious and decided to just stop—can't keep pouring water into an empty basket. And now that they've returned it, I don't know. Somedays, I feel like I don't know how to write anymore. I have the emotions and the words stuck somewhere in my head, but I don't know how to get them out.
Of recent, I have fallen in love with life again. The first sip of coffee in the morning while I sit at my workstation. The excitement in my voice at Monday morning meetings that my boss and colleagues have come to love. How excited I get at the prospects of waking up every day, dressing up, and choosing how my day would go. I have come to understand that I am the constant and driving force in my life: I would happen to life, and not the other way round.
I have learned to be slow. To take in everything. The music. The beauty of the world. My beautiful friendships with women. Women winning all around me. Being excited about my next meal. Getting into a state of flow and pouring out my heart into my work. It makes me so happy and content, and for the first time in my life, my life is perfect. Heaven on Earth.
There are days that are difficult. Days it takes me longer to get out of bed. Days I have so much to do that I have to consciously remind myself to slow down because rushing only gives me terrible headaches. Days I want to cry, but the tears don't come. Days I'm a bit sad, or blue, or sick. I embrace all of those days as I embrace the good ones. I understand that life is a yin and a yang, and all of these beauties and stressors make life worth living in. I used to be the girl with little to no will to live, and now even the thought of completing a client's work gets me so excited.
For me, the first half of this year brought a lot of clarity. At the beginning of the year, I felt happy and content. I had just gotten out of the psychiatric hospital where I spent a month in December, and everything just felt okay to me. I tried desperately to hold onto that feeling, but it started fading away. Then, I became depressed again. I started self-harming and was almost readmitted to the psych ward in May. At this point, I was sick and tired of being the victim in my life. How the fuck does it make sense that I let all of these things control me when I have the most say in my life?
So, I went inwards and started another journey of healing. Retrospection. I read articles and followed powerful women on all my social media handles. I studied the lives of women and tapped into the beautiful things they were doing in their lives. I decided to stop complaining and start doing. But you know the hardest work I had to do? Working on my mindset. Every day, my brain would seek to show me proof that my thoughts are lies, and I had to hold myself accountable to remind myself that my reality mirrors my mindset. I just had to hold and believe I could do it. And I did it!
Since then, it seemed like I had a light bulb moment, and everything just made sense. People who stressed me were delegated to the back of my thoughts. As someone who actively avoided confrontations, I learned to speak up for myself. To put my foot down and demand to be treated just the way I want to. This journey has led to the demise of so many relationships in my life, and as someone with severe abandonment issues, it's easier for me to walk away now. I speak up and block such a person if I have to. I do not tolerate disrespect of any form, and I am like a tigress waiting to devour anyone who dares to police my life.
This new dimension I have accessed came with its struggles. I went deep into myself and reached my goddess status. And that came with being disgusted by a lot of things and people I just used to allow in my life. I am inaccessible and inapproachable to the things I do not want, and my relationships have flourished. It's easier for me to manifest all that I want because I genuinely believe it, and I now find it easy to be grateful. I'm grateful for my beautiful friendships with the amazing women in my life. I am grateful for the insights I now have on the level of my strength. But most of all, I am grateful for the realization that I live in abundance—it's been the most important realization of my 20 years of existence.
Through all of these realizations, I have developed golden rules for myself. I don't want to be that strong, independent woman who is always stressed, busy, chasing something, being disrespected, and struggling to find happiness outside of myself. I'm no longer that person. I am the girl who has this child-like excitement for life, and it shows in my voice and the way I approach everything. I am a woman who has multiple sources of income that don't stress me.
I am a woman who lives in abundance; the one who has learned to love herself so much that the thoughts of settling for crumbs in the name of love makes me wanna throw up. I do not stress about anything now because I know that I have all the power to decide the outcome of a situation in my life. I'm not as generous with my money as I used to, and this has made a few people whom I've trashed give me the tags of: stingy, mean, wicked, bossy, authoritative, weird, etc. Frankly speaking, I do not give two-flying fucks. I have lived the most part of my life trying to shrink so I can fit into my loved ones' lives. Now? I want them to choke. Because if I need to be anything other than myself to remain in someone's life, then I am better off not having them in my life.
I am delusional enough to know everything is working out for my good, best case scenario. But I am realistic to know that I'm human, and some days won't be all happiness and excitement. Everything I need and want is in me, and I am honestly giddy with this realization. Life is easier for me. I don't relate to people struggling. I don't relate to anyone's complaint of lack—I live in abundance. I have healed, and still healing, my inner child, and she shows up often. She laughs a lot. She sings at the top of her voice, not minding who is listening. She wears whatever she wants and goes wherever she wants.
She does whatever she wants and give people the respect they have EARNED. She gets me so excited that my favourite thing in the world now is sleeping at night because I can't wait for all the beauties tomorrow hold. The uncertainties of life that used to make me anxious now make me very happy. Because I know that my life could very well change drastically tomorrow, and I would be so unaware of it today. I have let go of the desire to control, and my life feels so much better.
I started a new year with the second half of this year, and it's only day 7 but it's been really beautiful. I'm hoping that I can write more in the coming weeks and continue to share my stories with the world through my Medium. I also sincerely hope that I can resume my blogging when I have evolved to a point where I approach everything and anything as a superior. A God. But until then, I'll enjoy the Gresalda series on Netflix, vanilla-flavoured ice-cream and chicken from Chicken Republic, the fresh smell and taste of coffee in the morning, and the opportunity to contribute my intelligence to everything I do now as a source of income.
You'll probably be hearing from me a lot now, so here's me hoping life shows you how much power you wield. Stay jiggy!
Love,
Rachael.
