The half of you

At one point in a man's life, he has everything he needs but doesn't realize it.

1.

The day I knew I had lost you, I called you ten times and watched as you rejected every one of them. No quarrels. No bad blood. Just me, watching you in the camera I placed in your room as you reject my calls.

That was the first time I knew a heart could break.

2.

"Can we go with the flow? I just want sex, seriously. Men are scum and I don't want to get my heart broken."

"But I love you."

"You don't. You love the idea of me. I'm exotic, intelligent, funny and pretty. The smartest girl you've ever met. It has its charm, you know? And when the novelty wears off, what next? You'll talk about me like I'm a piece of garbage you forgot to throw out. 'Oh, her? She was okay. We didn't last very long.'"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does. I see the way you talk about the people. The way you're there and not there; it's crazy. I don't want that. I only want to have half of you. I told you. I don't want to have all of you and then have you take it away."

"I won't."

3.

It's almost midnight and you aren't back yet. I wonder if you do not want to come home because I'm in your house or because she intrigues you more than I do. But I shake off that feeling and focus on the book I'm reading.

Anxious People by Fredrik Backman. I like the guy. He's honest and straightforward. They say not to trust adults but he's one adult I can trust. Because he gives you the rules to follow to become a better, organized adult. And the first rule is that there are no rules.

But as I smile and nod at the third page, I think about you again. When you left you said you weren't going to stay long. You said you wanted to visit her. A her I don't like. A her you claim is your friend but whose relationship I do not tolerate. I didn't ask you to come early or to not go, I asked you to take your time. Because I promised myself not to be too adamant about things you didn't want to do. And if you didn't want to respect me, I would ignore it. I would mind, but I would ignore it.

I want to text you now but I don't. My therapist said one way to get to men is to act like you do not care. I've been acting that way for weeks now, but I care. I do. And I want you to come back and love me like how it was in the beginning. Love me like I'm the one for you. Because for a while I believed that.

3.

"I can't wait for you to bear my surname," you say as I lay on your chest. It's a hot afternoon, and for the first time in three weeks, you weren't rushing off for an appointment. There's no light, of course, but I love it. I love every weather that has you in it.

"Huh?" No one has ever told me that.

"I want to marry you and I want you to bear my surname. It'll look pretty sitting beside yours."

"You don't even know me," I laugh. "We've been together for what? Two… three months? And you want to marry me? Na so e dey be?"

You roll me over so you're on top and you tickle me. This time I laugh and ask you to stop in-between gasping for breath. I'm usually disconnected when you do it, but I laugh today. "I love you and that's what matters. Say, if we get to a year can I ask for your hand in marriage?"

"We might not get to a year; stop being ahead of yourself. And even if we do, I told you before that I don't fancy the idea of marriage. Let's have sex outside of that finality, abeg."

"But it's a sin. It's called fornication."

"Don't make me laugh. Since we've been in this relationship haven't we been fornicating? What makes it different?"

"It's different. This one is a relationship. It's normal. When it's marriage, it's different."

They say opposites attract, but I wonder what I see in you. "For the sake of argument, I'll agree. Whatever you say, boss."

"I want to marry you."

And because you stop tickling enough to smile at me, I kiss you. And we kiss and kiss and kiss. I kiss you for all the days I wasn't there and today that I am and all the days I wouldn't be there.

We kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss kiss kiss kisskisskiss kiss kisskiss.

4.

Today, I take note of all of the reasons you fell out of love with me.

5.

In all of my dreams about you, I'm still who I am. But in it, I loved you less. And every day I wake up, I pray to be as I am in my dream. To love you less. To miss you less. To be indifferent about you more.

Because not having you at all doesn’t feel better than having the half of you that you gave me.